A Quest for Importance

So I’ve had this idea rolling around in my head for the last couple of weeks. But it was stuck in the pre-planning phase. It was kind of like when you have a really good dream and then wake up and promptly forget what the dream was about. You can remember that it was good, you just can’t remember why. You see when I started this blog, it was a creative outlet. It also helped with maintaining memories even to the point now where I read what I wrote a month ago and begin to remember things that had already escaped me…in a month. Sheesh I used to think I had a pretty decent memory! But there was another angle I wanted to approach as well, and that was to help other guys/dads out there that may be looking for some advice or guidance on something they were dealing with. I know that sounds a bit pretentious, but I didn’t really set out to help mankind, I set out to help some poor Joe surfing the net wondering if anyone else had gone or was going through what he was. Well, that was the plan anyway. Easier said than done I suppose, but back to this idea.

It all started one night as I was finishing fixing the door from our dining room to the garage. Someone had bent the metal flashing that goes around the frame of the door so it wouldn’t close right. Upon asking who broke the door, I was informed that my arch-nemesis did it…Nobody. Nobody is a jerk and I dislike him greatly. He sneaks around my house breaking things, stealing the last of the tasty treats in the cupboard and clogging our toilets with enough toilet paper to choke an elephant. He’s dead meat if I ever lay hands on him, but I digress.

I had just fixed the door and was marveling at my handy work when I felt the overwhelming need to show off for my wife. I actually interrupted her conversation with a friend she had over and with a great flourish closed and opened the door several times. She smiled sweetly and humored me by claiming I was “the” man and that my handy man skills were unmatched by any in the land. (She said it far less poetically, I believe her exact words were less superfluous and much more sarcastic, but meant with love!) I didn’t think much of it at the time, but later I was pondering what caused that need in me to be noticed by my wife. It was weird, I fix stuff all of the time (remember that jerk Nobody) so why the sudden need for attention?

You see some guys (not all, I hate overgeneralizations) but some guys need that “atta-boy” every now and again. It’s not necessarily that we think we are doing the most important and/or difficult job in the world (I bent a piece of metal back into shape so the door would close) it’s that we want our wives to think that we are doing something important and difficult. It’s a primal feeling, but a feeling none the less. We want to show off for our mate to reminder her of all the good things about us (so hopefully she’ll forget our gastrointestinal prowess or our ability to burp the ABC’s on command.)

I can tell when I’m running low on spouse power. I’ll do things (like show-off more) and beat my proverbial chest in an effort to draw the attention of my mate. My wife is my tether to my home. She keeps me aware of all of the important things she does all day with the kids and all of the goings on with each of them. When I hear all of that, I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s easy to lose my perspective on where I fit in within our home. With everything running so well and with the kids happy, it can be easy for me to assume that I’m not as needed in our family. It’s during these times that I will seek my wife’s respect in order to fill the need to feel like I’m important to my wife. When that need is met it bleeds over into everything I do. I work harder at my job, I play better with others and I even do more around the house. I haven’t kept a chart or anything, I have just observed this as I go about my day.
So for any women out there reading this and asking yourself how you can make your man feel more important (and not just so he’ll do more laundry) let me tell you things that make me feel important to my wife and you can experiment with your hubby and see if he is similar. For one, there is nothing that shatters the cold grip of an exasperating day than when my wife looks me in the eye and tells me how proud she is that I’m doing what I’m doing and how much she appreciates what I do for the family. It’s almost like it rips me away from the fog of the day and reminds me that I’m not at work bashing my head against a wall for nothing. There are people depending on me and on my results at work and that makes me feel important. Another way my wife makes me feel important is by bragging about me to my kiddos. When my kids understand why I’m away all day and not able to be with them like mommy and when they understand that I have to leave every week day to ensure that we have food on the table and money to buy plungers, I feel important. One other way that my wife makes me feel respected is by listening to me when I share things about my day with her.

I want to interject something here for the benefit of any ladies reading this. Your guy may not be the most forthcoming when it comes to talking about what’s going on in his life. For some of us guys, coming home and sitting on the couch for a good gab-fest is right up there with a woman getting a Brazilian wax. It’s painful for some of us to sit still and talk about things. The good news is, if your guy is like this, there’s a good chance that he is an experiential communicator. Meaning he communicates while experiencing something. For example, if you have a difficult time communicating with your guy, go do something with him that he likes to do such as a sport or a hobby. Many times guys, myself included, feel more comfortable talking about what’s going on if they have something to do while talking. It makes us feel like we are accomplishing something and you might be surprised how much more your hubby gabs while hiking or fixing up the garage. Give it a shot, go do something with your hubby that may be you did when you were dating and see if there is more communication.

Alright, thus far I’ve given the ladies a lot of instruction, but guys we have things we need to do as well. For one, a woman can’t respect someone that doesn’t respect himself. You may hate your job, your boss, your school, but in the end if you don’t respect the fact that you are putting yourself out there for your family everyday, you will be a difficult person to make feel important. I realize I said that I seek my wife’s respect yes, but not all of the time. Not as the sole source of my strength. To be honest that’s too much of a burden to place on one person. I seek my wife to bolster my level of importance at times, but you’ve got to have a baseline of self importance to build from. Second, you have to be open and honest with your wife. Just a week or two ago I wasn’t sharing some potentially game changing information about work with my wife. I didn’t want to get her worried. This backfired horribly and in fact actually ended up not only worrying her, but confusing her as to why I was acting so weird/irritable. We have to be honest guys and share the good stuff with the bad stuff otherwise you are going to make things very difficult for your wife and yourself. One last thing guys, don’t hide your mistakes. I know it can be extremely difficult to tell your spouse about your moment of stupidity, but she will respect you more if you are unafraid to admit your mistakes and learn from them.

So what do you think blog-heads, any guys out there just looking for a little respect? Or any ladies out there with a good suggestion for making your guy feel important? Don’t be shy, leave a comment!